I scream, you scream, we all scream for big screen…

What is it with all those huge goddamn television sets?


I just came in from walking the dog, and in my neighborhood not only did I see numerous large screens glowing in the lit living rooms but two of them almost obscured the picture windows they sat against. I tried to take a picture but wasn’t successful. But anyway imagine a rough six foot window with about a four and one half foot wide television back squarely in the centre of it. So the tv now is the picture window. Is the next step, lose the windows? It seems another means of blocking out the real world. TV in the window, ipods and cell phones in the ears, but the size. My god, the size of these mutants!

I have a theory. Big screen, little dick. I’ve always felt there is an inverse relationship between the size of a guys vehicle and the weight of his package. Or maybe its more like the relationship between the size on one and his proficiency in using the other. And cars are definitely boyporn just like televisions. I am assuming its a male purchase; I have on more than one occasion seen those of my gender seem to melt in the presence of these things, as if sinking into a warm bath.

Purchasing one of these suckers is certainly more reliable than trying penis enlargement though I am suspecting the same market demographics. One of the most amusing and creative spams along those lines I’ve gotten was “you’ve now got your king size bed, now get your king size cock”, just substitute in king size tv there.

And while we’re on the topic, is it just a coincidence that a Hummer is called a hummer? Wishful thinking?


Remember the Australian speeding versus endowment ad campaign?

Speeders are poorly endowed, says new ad

Fingers Here’s the anti-speeding commercial that has Australia snickering this week. It’s from the New South Wales Roads and Traffic Authority, and it suggests that guys who speed on the roads may be lacking in other areas. As a guy peels out and screeches down the street, women on the side of the road and a guy in the backseat wag their pinky fingers in derision. “Speeding. No one thinks big of you,” is the tagline. A rep from the traffic authority believes the commercial “will cause people who are speeding to think twice about the image they are creating. They might want to think about subbing in a Hummer and running the same spot here in the U.S.

Courtesy of Adfreak

Whatever. These televisions are gross.

25 comments on “I scream, you scream, we all scream for big screen…

  1. “If you speed, you must have a small dick” is pretty much equivalent to “if you speed, you must be a nigger”. Just because there isn’t a movement set up to protect a minority doesn’t mean you can make fun of it.

    I’ve noticed that fancy cars and speeding are sure ways of getting laid, no matter what your dick size might be. Even guys with big dicks use it. And Arnie is rather well endowed.

    Me, I don’t even have a driver’s license 🙂

  2. Maybe you’ve got a point about the minority issue…would small brained also be a minority worth protecting, or large egos? It would have been fairer to go after those who have issues with their size rather than the size itself but thats so much harder to express. Kind of like the feisty Napoleon cliche where its not that he’s short but how he acts in response to it. Have to become a better writer I guess. My apologies to the well grounded but under par folks who know that the point is to use it not to strut it. And I did not really mean to suggest that being big necessarily translated into being a good citizen.

    But you have to admit the Freudian aspects of all these techno-struts are kind of compelling. Has to be some sense of inadequacy driving these things, some manifestation of not feeling big enough.

    (And I also played with the idea of ending with line about the small car I drive but yours is better).

  3. Actually the one about Napoleon is a myth. The dude was taller than the average Frenchman of his era. And his nickname, “the small general”, doesn’t actually mean what people think it means. He was called “the small general” not because of his height, but because he shared meals with his soldiers. The only factual basis for the myth might be that he surrounded himself with bodyguards who were considerably taller than he was.

    The thing about minorities is that it’s okay to make fun of people as long as you make fun of an aspect that these people have chosen for themselves.

    Nobody can choose skin color, height, or the number of fingers they’re born with. But people do choose their profession, clothes, and religion. So it’s okay to make fun of those aspects.

    It doesn’t have to be a sense of inadequacy driving people to buy Huge Fucking Things. It could simply be that it’s a strategy that works when it comes to attracting mates. It’s like the huge tail that a peacock has. “I’ve got the money and the time to do crazy shit like this, so you can easily see that I would make a good mate.”

    Grab a book on becoming a pick-up artist. “Peacocking” is usually covered in the first couple of chapters.

  4. So the tv now is the picture window. Is the next step, lose the windows?

    Very funny, castanet man.

    Comparing speeding to minorities is a false analogy. Speeding is against the law. It can be lethal.

    Being a minority isn’t against the law, in most civilized nations.

    I think the ad campaign is not only appropriate, and funny, but a potential life-saver.

  5. Elver, I wasn’t aware of Napoleon’s relationship to his fellowmen but I did call it a cliche so I don’t feel too bad about that, because its all about perception anyway. And maybe its because the ladies in my life have never been all that impressed with Huge Fucking Things (and I am referring to techstuff and auto-erotica)but rather than the mating thing, which I’m sure you are partly right about, I still think the impulse comes from some abyss, the mad consumption to fill the fact that they feel like nothing.

    Ben, I like your response. I was mostly going for yuks rather than a real argument here though that’s fun too. But maybe its the sad clown thing. Its funny but its so fucking sad and destructive in the long run. Rather than watch the show or movie on the unit using a couple of pounds of metal lets watch it on something that uses up ten times the resources. Rather than ride around in a small car (or not drive like Elver and kudos to him), let’s throw a few more hundred pounds of mother earth into the equation.

  6. Comparing speeding to minorities is a false analogy. Speeding is against the law. It can be lethal.
    Being a minority isn’t against the law, in most civilized nations.
    I think the ad campaign is not only appropriate, and funny, but a potential life-saver.

    The ad implies that if you speed, then you must be part of a minority of people with small dicks. You cannot choose your dick size any more than you can choose your skin color, so the ad is morally equivalent to “if you speed, you must be a nigger.”

  7. Have to admit I’m laughing pretty hard at the conection you make between the word “nigger” and dick size.

    Humor aside, re the analogy you make, I disagree entirely. Your interpretation leaves no room for irony or satire. The satiric association is that speeders (law-breakers, those who feel superior and above the law and able to write their own rules) must need to compensate — that’s all it is. They aren’t a maligned, potentially abused minority.

    If you can show me a poll showing a majority of Australians who see the ad and sincerely believe that in each and every instance of an individual speeding a determination can be made as to the size of his manhood, I’ll be both surprised and amused at the niavete of the Aussies.

    But you and I both know that ain’t gonna happen, right?

    So until then, I think it’s a great ad, potentially life-saving, and that any attempt to correlate a satiric ad on men who speed to compensate for their insecurities to an offensive term for those of African origin is, indeed, a false analogy.

  8. Yeah, AOS, just re-read you reply to me, and I’m with you. I’m always dismayed by the number of SUV’s I see on the road in this country.

    And it seems to be everywhere in this country. What a huge step backward.

  9. You miss the point entirely. If you don’t understand the analogy with racism, then look at gender, for example.

    What if the ad had made the suggestion that “if you drive badly, you’re probably a woman”? If you actually created and published an ad like that, feminists would eat you alive for lunch.

    The only difference between women and men-with-small-dicks is that the latter do not have organizations to protect their rights.

    Just because there isn’t an organization to issue a condemning press release saying “not all men with small dicks feel the need to compensate by speeding and thus the ad paints an unfair and discriminating picture of small-cocked men” doesn’t mean you can make fun of them.

  10. Sorry, Elver, that doesn’t wash, either.
    Not having the talent to drive well is not a choice.
    The size of your dick is not a choice.

    Breaking the law is a choice. Driving beyond the speed limit (in effect endangering not just your own life but the lives of innocent others) is a choice.

    It’s often a belligerent choice, made by aggressive people who believe they are above the rules the rest of us follow, implying they are dominant, alphas, and superior to others.

    Comparing them to others who are vulnerable or might be oppressed is a false analogy.

    People who break the law by speeding are not an oppressed group. Rather, they are selfish in their choices to use more fuel than needed to get where they are going, selfish in their choice of endangering others, and selfish to believe their needs are more important than the needs of others.

    If you want to make a valid comparison of law-breaking speeders to someone else, then compare them to some other group who feel they are above the law, superior, and able to defy the laws others follow for their own selfish needs.

    Until you do, your analogies aren’t apt.

    And yes, mocking those who believe they are above the law is entirely valid. Especially in a society that values free speech.

  11. I’m not questioning the logic behind “speeding is dangerous”. People who drive too fast are breaking the law. The law they are breaking is a good and useful one. They are bastards for breaking it. It is okay to mock them, because they choose to speed.

    What I’m questioning is the need to tie “those who speed by choice” to “those who have small dicks and didn’t choose them”. The first is a group of bastards who choose to be bastards. The second is a group of people who didn’t choose to be who they are and tend to be mocked for who they are — an oppressed minority.

    I would have no problems with an ad that says “if you speed, you are an arrogant asshole who needs to be slapped”. But what the ad is saying is: “if you need to speed, you must have a small dick”.

    Replace the “small dick” part with “black skin” or “vagina” and we’re back in the good old territory of racism and misogynism:

    * Women cannot be leaders.
    * Niggers are lazy and stupid.
    * A woman’s place is in the kitchen.
    * A nigger’s place is on the cotton fields.

    By saying “if you speed, you must have a small dick” we’ve created a new statement:

    * People with small dicks compensate by driving too fast and thus endanger everyone’s lives.

    But if the ad said “if you speed, you are an arrogant asshole who needs to be slapped” then it would work out to:

    * Arrogant assholes drive too fast and thus endanger everyone’s lives.

    This statement is preferable to the previous one.

    Btw, watch this video to get an idea of what this minority is going through. It’s not okay to mock them.

  12. I hate to get involved in this thing but allow me to attempt to bridge this. I think both of you are saying that the minority comparison (which admittedly I started) is incorrect. But as far as the ad goes, though it does eventually end up there, and we would certainly not be as amused if the women suddenly did a blackface to suggest racial origins, what the ad plays on, and what I was trying to get at as well, is that some people fill space, or speed, or purchase as a form of bragging which can only mean that they are insecure, and in the car ad they are suggesting that speeders are pretending to be big men when they are compensating for a smallness of some sort, and the little finger, the symbolic minicock, stands in for not so much something anatomical but a state of mind.

    You could still argue that at the root (ouch) this is still discriminatory, and I agree, even as I political incorrectly am still amused. Let’s face it, these things will never entirely cease to be funny or comedians would be out of a job. As long as its spread around equally; everyone should have a shot.

  13. I wrote mine and posted simultaneously with Elver’s last. Love it when that happens. Also never expected this to be as comment rich as its been. Yeow!

  14. By the way Elver, I would probably cool it with the “niggers”. Either that or replace woman with a worse term to balance it out. I know you’re making a point about us perceiving blacks that way but I don’t think it comes across quite like that. I’m just saying.

  15. Hey Elver I just watched the video and it does carry your point well. Thanks.

  16. Yeah, I overdid it with the n-word. Sorry about that.

  17. Let’s just call it poetic license.

  18. AOS, I agree with your take, that it’s a state of mind thing. And Elver, I agree with almost all of what you are saying here, except for one little component. So we agree on much, but the last little part where you cleave off in a separate direction is this:

    But what the ad is saying is: “if you need to speed, you must have a small dick”.

    I do not think that is what the ad is saying.

    The ad doesn’t imply “must”.
    The ad merely speculates.
    The ad is sly, tongue-in-cheek, and effective for that reason. It never purports to be science or proof, per your “must.” Its implied speculation that directly counters the also-assumed macho choice to speed. It turns the macho assumption on its head.

    Again — I do not think that anyone, repeat, *anyone*, who sees this ad seriously believes that the size of drivers’ male members, speeders or nonspeeders, can actually be determined by how fast they drive.

    No one.

    If you’d like, there are some Aussie bloggers around here we can ask. Let me know, and I’ll invite them over. The only way I can imagine that anyone of them would say speeding is an actual indicator of size, would be that they want to continue the laugh.

    But the ad never, ever was intended as serious proof — it’s all tongue-in-cheek. As it were.

    I wish they ran it here in the states about people who buy SUVs, frankly.

    Castanet man: good post.

  19. A last point: women forever have been judged by the anatomical sizes. How large their breasts are, how slim their waists, the proportions of their breasts to waist to hips.

    It’s overtly unfair, “sexy” women reaping great advantage. Women get eating disorders over the issue, suffer diseases and even death over it.

    If you think what we men keep hidden in our trousers is any kind of issue, you ought to be apoplectic over how women are treated. Because what goes on daily on every channel on almost every program dwarfs (pun intended) anything small-sized men deal with.

  20. 1. I don’t watch TV.
    2. I don’t judge women by their looks, even when seeking a girlfriend.

    That’s all anyone can really do about the issue.

    Hell, the reason I don’t have a driver’s license is because there isn’t a feasible alternative to gasoline yet.

    Also, if an ad “merely speculated” that a woman’s place is in the kitchen, and you defended that, you’d get the shit kicked out of you by the first hardcore feminist you met. You’re splitting hairs.

  21. 20 comments probably is enough for this one, don’t you think?

  22. AOS — naw. I think we could do much more. *wink*

    Especially if we spent any time pointing out that the world of judging women by their appearances goes a bit beyond whether one person watches TV or not.

    But there sure has been a lot of hypothetical ass-kicking by feminists in this convo! Have never worried about being honest with them myself (and know many including numerous friends who will attest to this). But candor or even hypothesizing around feminists sure seems to be a concern!

    Maybe I just know more feminists here in the SF bay area who are secure within themselves, ok with diverse opinions, and less threatened.

  23. Then I suggest starting a new thread/post with a kickoff article. We could each do one on our blogs or do you want to run with this one?

  24. “And Arnie is rather well endowed.”

    Um…perhaps to somebody of the paler skinned persuasion he might look well endowed, but as a black man I would have to say that this same “small dick syndrome” fits Arnie to a tee. Compared to the average black guy, he looks tiny. I think thats also why bodybuilders buff up, to compensate for the small wee wee.

  25. […] written previously about these masculine compensators (see I Scream You Scream We All Scream for Big Screen) along with castigating big screen televisions. And interestingly enough there is a nice picture of […]

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